The Biological Imperative
by Miandrethal
Summary: When Pon Farr causes Spock to be unfaithful to Uhura, how do they rebuild their relationship?
1. Chapter 1

She stared at him with disdain across the expanse of the tiny quarters that they shared. She dipped her head low and shook, trying to get the words he'd just let lapse from his lips into the air. The words hit her ears like a ton of bricks, and yet had not crawled their way up her synapses. She blinked slowly, and every time she tried to form a coherent sentence, she would open her mouth and then close it again, not finding the exact words to say.

He, however, looked austere and calm, almost like a placid lake, nothing rippling underneath. But much like a lake there was a tiny battle raging below. Little quirks of his facial muscles told her that he was in just as much shock as she was. He wanted to say something to her, wanted to rush across the room and demonstrate his feelings of sorrow and anguish. He would only do so if she invited it. Finally, when it seemed as if the silence was going to suck them both in, she spoke words of ice.

"When?" she asked, it was a simple enough question. And one that he was fully prepared to answer. He was good with times and dates.

"Three months, 2 weeks, 4 days ago," he said the dates and every word of it broke his heart.

"You were only a month into your planet-side visit? How nice of you to wait so long," she said, sarcasm and bile dripping from every word.

"Nyota…" he started, she put up her hand for him to stop.

"I ask the questions, you don't get to talk until I get my answers," her voice was calm, but laced tension. He nodded, following her instructions; only answering the questions she posed.

"Who?"

"Nurse Chapel," his voice was hoarse and raspy.

"Where?"

"On Rivas 12, we spent almost every night together after that first night, sometimes in her quarters and sometimes in mine." A hitch in her breath caused him to pause in his speaking. She was shaking and clutching her heart, and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes and starting to fall.

"Why?" she finally asked.

"It was the biological imperative that we discussed many times before," he said with a swallow.

"Pon Farr? I thought you were given hormone hypos for that?"

"They did not work," he hung his head down low.

"And fucking Chapel did?"

"Nyota…"

"Answer the question, Spock."

"I am not dead, the answer should be apparent." It was the way he delivered things that tore her apart. He could seem so cold and distant, especially in this moment where he needed to seem repentant and contrite. She knew him well enough that he was torn inside, but she needed to see these emotions, she needed to see his regret. At this moment, all Nyota saw was the same Spock that was always present. It wasn't just that he'd cheated on her, though that was the main portion. It was that she knew this was going to haunt them both for a time to come. Even if she could forgive Spock for his biological imperative and overly stimulated hormones, she knew that he would never be able to forgive himself.

They'd spend months talking about Pon Farr. They had a plan should he ever be susceptible. After months of chiding, she'd finally gotten him to go to McCoy and together Spock and the good Doctor came up with a series of hypo shots that would effectively control Spock's hormones during his Pon Farr. Apparently, this was a failure. Biology always ruled over chemistry apparently. Even if she could get the thought of him and Chapel sharing a bed over the course of three months while he was planet-side, she didn't know if she had the strength to help him forgive himself. She didn't know if she could look at him at the moment.

"Are you bonded with her?" Nyota asked.

"No, we are not bonded."

"Did you try to meld with her?" she was shocked by his silence. He didn't dare look at her. His inaction gave her the answer.

"Get out," she said, cradling her head in her hand.

"Nyota… please."

"Get. Out." Her voice rose a bit, though strangled trying to fight the tears.

"Surely, you do not mean to end our link," Spock could feel his very essence cracking apart. And suddenly, Nyota broke. She turned upon him, her eyes filled with fury.

"End our link?! I can barely stand to look at you! Now, if you don't get out of here right now, I am going to call security. Now get out! Get out! Get out!!!" The tears were streaming hot down her face. He did as she asked, stopping to look at the small woman that he'd betrayed before him.

"Nyota… I apologize for any pain that I've caused you. I can only try to regain your trust." The door shut quickly behind him. He walked slowly down the hallway towards the common room, thinking about the events that had led up to this very moment.

_4 months prior:_

_Spock was packing for his three month planet-side exploration on Rivas 12. He was going to lead a science mission while the Enterprise continued its explorations elsewhere. Rivas 12 was especially important to the Federation because of its mineral rich minds. It was up to Spock and his team: Nurse Chapel, Ensign Davis, and Ensign Marques to do a full planetary exploration and report back to the Enterprise with a full briefing of the benefits and costs of setting up a mining colony on Rivas 12._

_As he was packing, a pair of warm arms snaked around his middle and held him tightly. Spock allowed himself to smile as he felt her small body press against his back._

"_This behavior does not lend to my preparations for my mission."_

"_Good. I don't want you to go," Nyota said. He turned to face her in the grasp, looking down and cupping her cheek. _

"_It is only three months, Nyota."_

"_We've never been apart, Spock."_

"_I realize that this is difficult…"_

"_Spock, this is more than difficult. What if you start going thru Pon Farr. The Enterprise will be days, maybe even weeks away from you. It's dangerous, for you and the others."_

"_I have the hormone hypos for that. They should work adequately to sedate my Pon Farr, should the need arise. I am a Starfleet officer; there is always danger, even here, with you, on this ship. You know this, Nyota," he responded, and she started to chuckle._

"_I sound foolish don't I?" he knew the question to be rhetorical._

"_You sound like… my Nyota," he leaned down and kissed both of her eyes and then her cheeks, and then her lips. The kiss was soft and broke quickly, as he pulled her into an embrace. They held one another in silence, their breathing the only sound in the room. _

"_Mr. Spock, your presence is requested on the bridge for immediate deployment in 20 minutes," said the sound of Kirk's voice over the intercom. They broke their embrace, and Spock walked over to the intercom to acknowledge. _

"_I need to finish."_

"_I know," she said, standing up on her tiptoes to kiss him again, "I'll see you on the bridge."_

Spock's feet and mind carried him to the quarters of his Captain. He made his presence known and was given permission to enter. Kirk could tell that there was something amiss with his first officer, but Spock's face remained stoic that it was always too difficult to assess his moods.

"Hey Spock, what brings you by?" Kirk said, motioning for Spock to sit.

"Captain, I have done something wrong," Spock said, sitting and slumping as much as Kirk had ever seen him slump. It was the equivalent of upright and back in a coach seat on an airplane. Kirk's brow furrowed and he sat down in front of Spock in an equally comfortable chair. This had to be something serious.

"What is it?"

"I have betrayed Nyota with an indiscretion with another woman," Spock said the words so staccato and broken that Kirk almost thought that he was a robot. Kirk inhaled and exhaled deeply, ran his hand thru his hair, and stood. Kirk gathered two glasses from his shelf and also the Andorian brandy that he was fond of. It was laced with a bit of chocolate. Spock's Vulcan and human side would have a chance to forget some of this anguish. He poured Spock a drink and himself, and sat down.

"That is bad," Kirk said, taking a sip of the brandy and watching as Spock drank the whole glass, "So what are you going to do?"

"She wants me to leave our shared quarters."

"Well, that's to be expected. But you love her, right?"

"I…I…" Kirk rolled his eyes and clapped Spock on his back.

"This is going to be difficult," Kirk said, "you can stay here until we can find you some suitable quarters."

"Thank you, Captain." Kirk poured Spock another drink. They shared three more glasses, until they both decided that it was time to retire. During meditation, as the alcohol, chocolate and regret pulsed thru his veins, Spock dreamt of better times.


	2. Chapter 2

_3 Months Prior_

_The planet of Rivas 12 was a rocky mess. It didn't have the airy heat that Vulcan once did and it was dryer and had more sand than Earth's deserts. Spock and his team set up camp a few miles inland from the small cruiser that they'd used. It was a nice oasis, warm during the day time with a great fresh water source that glistened blue. During the first three weeks of their expedition, they traveled all over the course of a twenty-six mile radius, taking samples of sand and the few, yet various, existing flora. _

_It was a warm day, a day that reminded Spock of his time on Vulcan, when he started to notice Nurse Chapel. It wasn't that he started to notice Chapel extensively. For days he'd been feeling quite strange. His body had been betraying him, and his mind, no matter the meditation, had been falling on lusty thoughts. The first couple of days of being away from Uhura, he wrote her from the planet. He told her of the search and some of the other darker, more carnal thoughts he'd been thinking. It took three days for their messages to reach one another, but it was a constant that he couldn't live without. After the first two weeks, the Enterprise got so out of reach that it took their messages a whole week to reach one another. The last message that he received from her entailed all of the sexual things that she would do to him once he returned. He'd kept the letter and re-read it over and over again. _

_Spock wasn't one for self stimulation, but on this cold night in the desert, away from his ashayam, he felt the need to indulge his bodily and mental needs. He found his picture of Nyota that he kept in his bag, and pulled it out, imagining her in a wonderful state of undress. He closed his eyes and remembered all the times that she'd panted in his ear, begging him to give her release. He remembered her kisses against his face, his lips, the warmth and smell of Nyota, the feel of her body tightening around him. He was completely aroused, and took himself in his hand, squeezing his hard length in his hand and pull upward, imagining it to be Nyota. _

_Spock leaned back in his hard cot and continued to stroke himself, feeling himself shudder. He was so close to completion when the strange image of Nurse Chapel in her small Starfleet uniform. A small moment and he was spent, with the look of her creamy thighs spread in front of him, calling his name. _

_Two days later, Spock was infatuated, his body and mind completely distracted from the task at hand. It was later, after the past expedition that he started to feel the effects of the fever. He was irritable all that day, and when he saw Chapel he wanted to take her on the ground. He needed the hypo, so gathering up all of his strength and mental training; he walked to Chapel's tent and entered rather abruptly. She was sitting in her night clothes, which were a scant pair of thin linen shorts and a long-sleeved shirt. She was looking at a PADD until she saw Spock standing at her doorway._

"_Christine, I am in need of those hypos that I entrusted you with," Spock said, his face flushing a deep green at the sight of her. She nodded her head and quickly grabbed her bag, prepping the hypo. He walked into her tent, watching her as she prepped the hypo, the sway of her hips, the curve of her breasts. She had such a different body than Nyota, yet not displeasing. She stepped towards him and plunged the hypo into his neck and instantly, Spock's pupils dilated, his skin flushed a deep green, and his heart started to beat in rapid succession. Suddenly, his mouth was on Chapels and she didn't resist. He was biting her, kissing her roughly, claiming her. _

"_Mr. Spock," she said, thru thrusts of his tongue into her mouth. She pulled away, her eyes wide. _

"_I need you," he almost growled. Christine stepped away from him, her eyes wide._

"_This is not happening. I've wanted this, but…" She started, looking around strangely. He stalked towards her, his skin the deepest shade of green she'd ever seen him. He licked his lips and talked in a deep voice. _

"_Then let this happen," he said, ghosting a hand over her face, and reaching down to rip open her top, revealing soft, pale breasts._

"_Spock," he stopped her with a bite to her pink nipple, and that was all it took. She drew his head further and allowed him to take all he wanted. _

_The next few days were insatiable. After those days, it became routine for them to spend time with one another. They were inseparable._

_****_

Nyota was walking towards medical bay with only one intention. She was angry. Last night had been an unhappy ending and she had a woman that she had to confront. She took the turbo-lift quickly down, her steps steady, her cadence and gait strong. Anyone standing in her way would be a fool.

Upon reaching the medical bay, she sees only one woman. In the back of her mind, she sees McCoy tending to a patient, but she only has Chapel in her sights. The woman is standing at a computer, logging information about a patient, when Uhura comes behind her and pushes her almost completely over the desk.

"You bitch!" Uhura shouts and McCoy is quickly away from his patient and holding Uhura back, while another nurse is tending to Chapel.

"Oh Uhura, he told you," Chapel said from the ground.

"Yeah, he told me!" she says, pulling away from McCoy and slapping Chapel in the face.

"I'm sorry. It was an accident."

"Three months of an accident? Don't lie to me! You took advantage of him you lying little, sniveling snag!"

"Uhura you need to calm down," McCoy screamed.

"He came to me! He sought me out!"

"And you have no shame. You really are despicable."

"What is this about?" McCoy asked, letting go of Uhura, seeing that she'd calmed down.

"This is about your nurse, rutting for three months with my boyfriend like a dog in heat. You should be ashamed of yourself, Chapel. He was taken and you knew that. Despite all of your reservations, you've always wanted him and you took what you could get. You are the epitome of the word whore, and I hope for every night and every kiss that you took from me that you realize how low your are," Uhura said, straightening her uniform and her posture and strutting out of the medical bay as if this never happened.

She made it halfway down the hallway when she heard McCoy's footsteps.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked. She stopped, and turned into his arms. He embraced her and felt the tears falling. He ushered them into his office quickly, so that no one would see. He held her closer once they were behind closed doors.

"Oh Len," she said thru stray tears.

"That pointy-eared bastard, I'll tear him apart." She started to chuckle almost hysterically.

"There's no need. I'm sure news of this will reach him soon enough. I'm such a fool, acting like this. I just… I don't know what to do."

"Well, you can't work like this. I'm going to tell Kirk that you're unfit for duty. I want you to report to your quarters and take a day off. I'll come check on you periodically, is that clear?"

"Len, really, it's not necessary."

"No, it is. You jumped my assistant. I don't think you'll be able to perform your duties. That's not a request; it's most definitely an order. If not, I'll have to report you to security and they'll take you to the brig for assaulting a fellow officer. It's either being confined to your quarters with a mysterious, mind-altering fever, or assault, which one do you want?" Len said with all seriousness.

"Walk me back to my quarters?" she shrugged.

"After you." The walk back to her quarters was silent and pensive. Nyota had many times where she held back the tears and anger that threatened to consume her. Upon reaching her quarters, Len walked her in and poured her a drink, sitting and waiting for her to speak.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked finally.

"Not really. I just want to curl up and die."

"How did it happen? Surely, Spock is capable of self-control."

"The hypos didn't work. He went into Pon Farr."

"Damn. Nyota, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"And it's not yours either. Don't forget that," he said taking the rest of her drink away from her. He pulled a hypo spray from his bag and gave it to her. She eyed him warily.

"This will help you sleep. You need it. And if you need me, don't hesitate to ask. And try not to beat up anymore of my staff. I need them, even if they are whores." Nyota smiled at his words and Len was glad that he could make her smile.

"Thank you, Len," she said thru a yawn. He walked towards the doorway to her quarters and let himself out.

"Anytime, Nyota, anytime."


	3. Chapter 3

_4.5 months prior_

"_I still think this is a horrible idea," she said, her head lying on his hard chest. She passed her hand over his firm belly, and lower right above his sex. He shivered and pulled her closer to him._

"_You are quite possessive of my time, dear Nyota," he said. She knew this to be a joke by the way his tone slightly changed. It was the moments when he was tender that she loved so much. He only shared these moments with her, and she needed them so much; they both needed them. She sat up on one elbow, her dark hair falling all over the place, splayed out around them like a dark halo. He picked up a small twist of her hair and tested its weight._

"_Are you not equally possessive?" she asked, egging on the joke. Her hand swirled patterns on the spot between his stomach and his sex. He swallowed deeply. He could feel her small nails raking along his hip bones. He twitched involuntarily, his lips quirking. They'd spent hours that day making love, and he wanted to continue. But he would continue the joke if she wished. He said nothing to note that he was possessive of her, she snorted in disappointment. _

"_Jerk," she said in mock anger, turning over onto her side and hugging a pillow to her face. She felt him behind her, his hands all over her hips, and creeping up between her breasts. His lips on her neck, nipping at that spot that he knew made her moan. She let out a sigh and then a low moan as he replaced his teeth with his tongue and encircled the lobe of her left ear. She could feel his hand sneak between her thighs, and could feel how hard and thick he was pressed against her backside._

"_I will show you how possessive of you I am, Nyota. You are mine," he slowly pushed inside of her, feeling her shudder, hearing her gasp. He teased her so slowly, deeply thrusting inside of her, slowly allowing his fingers to encircle her clit. His other hand stretched the path up through her breasts, his hands finding the points on her face. She could feel their minds stretch apart and bounce back together like a rubber band. His presence washed over her, as she felt how deeply he needed her, how much he loved her. He played her body like his prized Vulcan lute. Before long she was clutching the pillow in front of her and keening into the softness. And there was Spock, behind her, whispering dirty things in Vulcan and Standard, holding their link, edging her closer to her orgasm. _

"_Who do you belong to?" he whispered._

"_I am yours, Spock."_

"_And I am yours, Nyota," he whispered, biting her shoulder, both of them coming together, tied in a gigantic knot of brown and white limbs. They lay in silence, breathing in tandem and stretching out their legs. _

"_I love it when we do that," she said in a relaxed tone. She felt him nuzzle her neck and sighed, arching into him._

"_Can't we just stay like this?"_

"_Nyota, everything will be fine," he whispered into her ear, but felt that she was already sleeping. He stayed still, allowing her to fall into a deep sleep. He heard a beep from his com and picked it up_

"_Spock, you're wanted in Medical. I've been working all night on this, and you've been spending your time knocking boots with your girlfriend. Get your green-blooded ass down here now, Don Juan" it was McCoy. Spock eased himself from the bed, slipping himself away from Uhura. She stirred slightly and turned onto her stomach. He watched her sleep for a moment, and then dressed quickly in regulation sweats and walked down to Medical Bay._

"_Where is McCoy?" Spock asked Chapel, she was standing in the front portion, tending to logging information into the computer. She looked up at Spock, who'd allowed himself to be slightly less stiff. He smelled like sex, obviously just leaving Uhura's bed. Chapel stiffened._

"_He's in the lab," she said stoically. Spock walked past her and into the lab._

"_There was a breakthrough with the hypos. I think we found something," McCoy said, stepping back from a microscope and letting Spock look. McCoy had been up most of the night. He'd changed out of regulation uniform and into something more comfortable: an old pair of sweats and a loose-fitting shirt. McCoy was also wearing a pair of glasses that suited him. Spock walked over to the microscope and quirked his eyebrow at what he saw. _

"_Good work, but it's not finished yet. We have a couple of things to work out, but its close," Spock responded, "We have an approximate 77.25% of succeeding._

"_We have two weeks until you're gone, Spock."_

"_If you're tired, I can continue this work while you rest," Spock said to the doctor. McCoy shook his head._

"_No, go back to Uhura. I know how much you need to spend time together."_

"_We have spent the whole day together doctor. She is currently sleeping off today's activities," Spock said with levity._

"_You cheeky, green-blooded bastard, you tired her out. Good for you. Now leave me alone so I can figure this out. If I get another breakthrough, I'll buzz you. Now go get some sleep. And by sleep I mean actual logged hours of REM, not that other stuff you've been doing," McCoy shouted after the Vulcan in jest. _

Spock entered the room he and Uhura had shared for almost a year on the Enterprise. He found it dark with only one light turned on in the sleeping quarters.

"You've come for you things, I hope," Uhura said. She was sitting on the couch in the dark, staring at Spock from behind.

"I have."

"Good," she said, turning her head away from him and back to the blank wall in front of her. He wanted to say something to her, but instead continued the task of collecting his things. As he started to pack up the life that he and Nyota had started together, he felt a dam inside of him begin to break. Everything about this situation was starting to test the very resolve that he had. He finished gathering the last of his things and went to stand in the middle of the front meeting room.

"You should not be angry with Chapel. It was my error in not listening to you that caused this," Spock said. Nyota looked over at him, her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"What?" Uhura said, looking up from that spot that she was marinating in.

"I sought her out. It was the shame I felt in losing control that caused me to continue the relationship. I ended before we even set foot on the ship again."

"Spock, I can't do this with you right now. If you want to confess your sins, find a priest. I will not be able to give you absolution at the moment. You need to give me time. Just pack your things and go," Nyota said with finality. Spock grabbed his boxes, nodded in understanding and walked out of the door.

Spock was halfway down the hallway when he ran into Dr. McCoy, who was regarding him with disappointment.

"You know, Spock, I didn't think you had it in you," McCoy started.

"I assume that you are referring to my indiscretion."

"Yeah, and I feel directly involved, considering that I was helping you with the hypo. It just seems so strange. We were so sure."

"You can never be fully sure," Spock said, and McCoy thought he noted a bit of regret in the Vulcan's tone.

"You know, I wanted to be angry with you about all of this, but I'm pretty sure Uhura is angry enough for everyone on this ship. I'll take a look at the research notes, see what went wrong. Stop by later and we'll figure it out together. I have to go check on Nyota, I said I'd stop by periodically."

"I am thankful for your assistance."

"Don't think this is for you, ok. I just hate seeing her torn up like this. If we could figure out what went wrong, maybe it will help give you two some closure. The fact of the matter is that you still cheated on her, Spock. Whether or not you two stay together is up to you," McCoy said those words and walked towards Uhura's quarters, entering quickly thereafter. Spock stood in the middle of the hallway, holding his boxes, and for the first time, he felt confused.

_3 months prior_

_Spock and Chapel lay amongst the ruins in the tent, breathing deeply and hard, and clutching one another. Chapel's blonde hair was a sweaty tangled mess. She looked at the Vulcan that had just ravaged her, and he looked quite messy himself. Well, for him. Chapel wanted to lie in the afterglow, but as soon as his breath stopped hitching in his lungs, Spock rolled away from her; she thought she could detect panic in his eyes. _

_She placed her hands on his shoulders and he shrugged away, recalcitrant, unaffectionate, stoic. Chapel felt her heartache at the shame that was creeping upon her. _

"_Is that all I was to you, Spock?" she asked, clutching her heart, tears starting to stream down her face._

"_The hypo was a failure," Spock said, having the sudden understanding like Adam and Eve in the garden, that he was naked with another woman, not Nyota. He realized sin, and it sickened him. He paled instead of greened, and stood quickly, looking for his cast away clothes. _

"_I was just convenient," she said, bile rising on her tongue. She stood quickly as well, looking around for her clothes._

"_I apologize for my actions of earlier, but this was not my intent," Spock responded._

"_But it happened, Spock. It happened. And if you think that Nyota is going to take you back after this, then you have another thing coming." Chapel said the words so damning. Spock stopped in his quest to find his pants and his knees visibly buckled. He turned to look at Chapel. The other shoe dropped. Nyota, he hadn't forgotten about her, but he had betrayed her. Spock wasn't a stupid man by any means, but he wasn't quite privy to human manipulation, especially when it was wrapped in a package as small and innocent as a woman. _

_He was turned away from Chapel, but he felt her presence. And in that wonderful way he was most fond of, she encircled his waist with her cool arms. He felt her small weight against him, and surrendered again. She cooed sweet words into his ears of hope and affection._

"_It's just you and I, Spock. She will not love you after this. I am alone as well, my husband is gone. It is just you and I," Chapel said in such exquisite surety that Spock's sex-numb brain chose to believe her. _

_It was three days of sex, until his Pon Farr was spent. Afterwards, he just spent time with her, as if she were his bonded. There was a connection, he'd tried to meld with her, but there was a blanket over her mind that wouldn't allow him to penetrate. Chapel had no special empathic or telepathic power, her brain was just a jumble of emotion and rebellion, and Spock found that he didn't want to linger there too long. He never touched her after those three days, but they spent the rest of the time behaving in very much a way of lovers. And every night that he thought he was going to leave her bed, Spock remembered what Chapel had said about Nyota, and about redemption. _


	4. Chapter 4

Her kisses were like fire, but he pulled away instead. He wouldn't let her do something that she would regret. It was above him as a person, as her friend, as her doctor. He gripped her slim arms from around his neck and pulled them down, pushing her away far enough to see her eyes; they had tears in them.

"You don't want to do this," Bones said. She shook her head no, and started to cry. He grabbed her to his chest and allowed her to do so. Depression was a very healthy emotion, especially with what she was going through.

"I can feel him all over me, Bones. I can feel him my head, in my heart. I'm aching. I want everything to be the way it was before went to Rivas 12. We were so happy."

"And now you're not, Nyota. Love isn't all rainbows and candy, and sweet kisses. Love is hard times and infidelities, and vulnerability and doubt. You both need to get a grip," Bones said in his very direct way. He walked away from her to go stand by the door.

"And I suppose this exquisite advice is what brought you through your divorce?" she knew she was being cruel.

"Uhura, I'm just trying to help," he said, feeling the shockwave of pain roar through him at her words.

"I'd rather you'd fuck me than give me your pity and well-intentioned advice," she said.

"Who's pitying you?" McCoy asked, "I don't pity people."

"But you do try to salve them with your advice."

"There's no need to be defensive, Nyota."

"Are you on my side or his, McCoy?"

"This isn't about sides. This is about seeing two people that I care about trying to keep something special together."

"Now who sounds full of rainbows and candy and sweet kisses? If you're not going to fuck me, then get out. Which is it?" Nyota was too angry to understand that she sounded like an angry, bitter woman. She wanted her revenge. McCoy swallowed deeply, scratched his head, and exhaled.

"I guess, Miss Uhura, I will be taking my leave. Have a good evening," he was so gentlemanly that he almost looked as if he were tipping a hat towards her, though he didn't wear one. She rolled her eyes and didn't even watch as he exited the room.

It was silent for some minutes, and Uhura almost thought that Spock would be returning soon. She'd gotten so used to their routine, that she didn't realize that it was over. Their… _her _quarters seemed so large now. She cuddled on the sofa and returned her mind and thoughts to the spot she'd been staring at all day. It was a thinking spot. Many things flowed through her head, but none of them tuned to Spock. She wanted to shut off that link, wanted to get him out of her head. But he was ever present there, in the back of her mind, as if her very being was made around him. She melted more into the sofa, into the blanket until she finally fell asleep.

****

"Spock, you want another one?" Kirk asked, eyeing his first officer and seeing shallow, heavy-lidded eyes. It was the worst off he'd ever seen the half-Vulcan. Spock was swaying in his chair and looking at Kirk incredulously; there were two Kirks.

"What was the ale that you've been giving me?" Spock asked. Kirk laughed audibly.

"Andorian brandy, strong enough to knock your human side down, laced with chocolate fine enough to stone your Vulcan side out of its mind. How do you find the effects, Mr. Spock?" Kirk smiled, the effects on him were quite strong, and Spock had taken quite more than he had.

"I am as humans put it, on my ass, Captain," Spock slurred. Kirk was glad that he could help.

"Why are you not in your quarters, Spock?" Kirk asked, taking another sip of the brandy.

"They are too quiet for my taste. I miss her terribly," Spock whispered the words.

"Did I hear emotion creep through? Holy shit, I think I'm gonna vomit," Kirk responded, and felt his stomach lurch for real.

"Is this what humans do when they are not content?"

"You regret sleeping with Chapel?"

"If ever a Vulcan did regret…" Spock stopped his sentence.

"You know it's not weakness to feel stupid for doing something stupid, Spock."

"Illuminating advice, Captain," Spock responded. Jim smiled.

"And you can take it to the bank. So tell me, how'd it happen?" Kirk started to slur his words. Spock, under the influence of the chocolate and the brandy, audibly sighed.

"I had hoped you wouldn't ask."

"You could always use that 'I have no comment on the matter' response that you're so fond of giving me," Kirk joked, his lips turning up and his eyes going slightly wide.

"There is nothing to explain. I am completely at fault, and I deserve her anger."

"So, you mean to tell me that it was your idea. What exactly happened down there, Spock?" Kirk said and heard a beep at his door. He allowed the visitor to enter and wasn't shocked when he saw McCoy.

"Pour me some of the good stuff, Jim-boy, and I don't mean that brandy and chocolate bullshit that you're drinking with the Vulcan," Bones said, taking a glass that Jim had poured out of nowhere, and sinking into a chair next to Spock.

"You've joined just in time for the story of Rivas 12, where Spock lost his mind."

"You know, I could really box those pointy ears of yours. You really have made it quite difficult for me to live me life. What with your two women bickering and fighting over you. Seriously? You? I don't get it," Bones said. Spock simply blinked and started the story.

_3__rd__ Day of Pon Farr_

_He was thrusting into her wildly, ramming her into the side of the cot. This was the third day, it had to be the third day, but Spock had no idea when his days started or ended. It was only this, only the feel of her body around him, the smell of their sex musky in the air. She was on her knees in front of him, and he grabbed her roughly by the throat and pulled her back to his chest, continuing to thrust deeper. She moaned both from pleasure and from sheer exhaustion. His hand snaked from her throat to those pressure points on her face, and he expanded his mind into hers._

_She screamed, trying her best to deny him that deepest of penetrations. His influence was stronger, so much stronger, and he felt her mind trying to weasel away, he stopped her. _

"_No," he said roughly in her ear, "you are mine."_

"_Spock," she responded, her voice weak, "what are you doing?"_

"_Let me in Christine. Know that you are mine," he said, and thrust his pelvis harder against her. She could feel his influence and was incapable of stopping him. There he was, in her mind, swimming around everywhere. In her deepest thoughts, probing and poking around the library of her mind. She could also feel him, how aroused he was, how good she felt to him, how much pleasure he was receiving from being joined as they were physically and mentally. She surrendered to the meld, and with a shudder of utter and earnest despair, she came. _

"_I'm yours," she acknowledged._

Kirk and Bones stared at Spock with wide-eyed dismay. They were both strangely turned on and disgusted.

"You did that mind thing with her?" Jim asked, shivering, remembering the intensity of his meld with the other Spock.

"It was the only way to effectively end my Pon Farr. It was a natural inclination, unlike my chosen meld with Lt. Uhura, which was purely for our extended pleasure in… love," Spock said the last word almost as low as a whisper.

"You use that crazy Vulcan mind voodoo on those women, that's how you did it. You gotta teach me, Spock. I've wanted to sleep with Ellen that red-shirt down in engineering ever since I saw her in that little red uniform. Jeez, you'd think that Starfleet would give them longer uniforms, at least to make sure that the men on the ship do their damned jobs," Bones said, having caught up in drinking with Spock and Kirk.

"I concur, imagine the difficulty of keeping professional decorum when it comes to being a professor to those diminutive garments," Spock responded with what would have been wistful to a Vulcan.

"You didn't keep your decorum, which is why you're in this mess in the first place. You know, for all that Vulcan control, you sure do have horrible choices in which to lose control," Kirk responded.

"Ok, so, your Pon Farr ended, then what? Business as usual?" Bones asked.

"No, definitely not business as usual…" Spock continued.

_1 week after Spock's Pon Farr, Rivas 12_

_After three days of both he and Chapel telling the ensigns that they were "under the weather", they both emerged, seemingly worse than when they'd started. They found that even when they were apart on Rivas 12 a connection was forged. Spock and Chapel could feel one another's presence in their heads. When they were together, it was as if they'd never parted. _

"_What has happened, Spock?" Chapel asked, watching as he tested portions of the Rivas 12 sand. He looked at her with quirked eyebrows._

"_I am unsure of your meaning."_

"_Between us, is what I mean? Why is it that I can feel you in my mind?"_

"_During our last time making love a week ago, when I entered your mind, I formed a kind of link. It's stronger than one I've formed before, mainly because of my Pon Farr. It needed to be done to effectively end the blood fever. I believe that when we get back to the Enterprise, I shall try to end our link effectively," Spock said the words clinically. _

"_And what will we do until then? I cannot get you out of my head, it's invasive."_

"_We shall have this mental joining, and fighting it will be futile. It is most logical to continue in the matter of a pair until we return."_

"_What about Uhura, how will we explain this to her? Won't she be hurt?"_

"_The truth is always desired, though problematic and painful. It will be better if we do not engage in sexual intercourse any longer, though our bond will enhance our want for it. I suggest we sleep in our allotted tents," Spock concluded his tests and exited the tent. Chapel, angered, exited the tent behind him and screamed. _

"_I'm not a toy, I'm a woman. You don't just get to use me and discard me, Spock," she turned him around and pulled his head down into a kiss. Feeling her passions and anger mingled within his mind, he was powerless to resist her._

"Three months? You had a three month affair with Chapel?" Kirk asked.

"I ended it a week before leaving Rivas 12. It took 2.5 months for my message to be received on New Vulcan and for my 'contact' to find the answer as to how to break the bond between Christine and myself," Spock added.

"And how did you break the bond?" Bones asked.

"Heavy meditation, deeper than I've ever gone before, was a key to stopping the carnal side of the relationship. Upon returning to the Enterprise, I erased the other bond with Chapel by solidifying one with Lt. Uhura."

"You slept with Uhura after you got back from Rivas?" Kirk asked.

"Yes, many times during the past two weeks that I've been back."

"You pointy-eared, green-blooded bastard, that poor girl is in love with you, she's dying in that room by herself, so much so that she's reaching out trying to erase all the pain with… sex," McCoy stopped himself. Kirk choked on his drink as he watched realization come across Spock's face. Then he watched as Bones and Spock squared at off at one another.

"Have you?" Spock asked his voice steady and low.

"No, but I see I should have. After this story, you don't deserve her, and she doesn't deserve to be treated the way you have treated her. Biological imperative or no, I think those women should team up and cut your green dick off," Bones was intrepid, walked up to Spock and hit him with a right cross.

"Bones…" Kirk started. Spock stood, holding his chin and looking down at McCoy.

"I believe that was deserved. You only get one," Spock nodded towards the Captain and then to McCoy and exited the room.

"Green dick?" Kirk asked, lifting the awkward silence.

"Really, Jim? This is what you've gleaned from this whole conversation," Bones stood up and walked out as well.


	5. Chapter 5

"I have to talk with you," Uhura said standing outside of the door of Nurse Chapel. Chapel was shocked to say the least, and kind of cringed, hoping not to get decked again. It had been three weeks since that small incident, and Chapel's face was still a little swollen.

"I was wondering when you were going to come and see me."

"A real woman would have come to see the hurt party, then again, I forgot who I was dealing with," Uhura smarted. Chapel inhaled sharply and started to close the door. Uhura stopped her.

"Look, I know what I did was wrong, I agree with your spite and your anger, but I don't have to take your shit while you stand in front of my door. If you and your entourage want to talk shit behind my back, call me all sorts of names, spread rumors, fine, I deserve that. But I'm not going to stand here, at my door, and allow you to insult me, not today."

"Chapel let me in, I won't hit you, and I won't insult you. I can act like an adult today, I suppose," Uhura said. Chapel eyed her warily, and then stepped back from the door, allowing Uhura to enter. Uhura walked into Chapel's quarters and noted the décor. It was Spartan, but warm. There were pictures of her family on the wall, a dog that was back on Earth, a husband she hadn't seen in ages. And in all of the pictures, there was Chapel's smiling face, though Uhura noted that he smile didn't reach her eyes.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Chapel asked. Uhura shook her head no, feeling as if, looking at these pictures and being in her room that she was quickly losing courage. Uhura choked up her quickly fading spirit and spoke.

"This isn't going to be pleasant; you already know this. But, if you're honest with me, this will be real," Nyota said, sitting down at a small chair at a desk in the front room. Chapel joined her with her own glass of water, sitting directly across from her.

"What do you need to ask me?" Chapel started.

"Did you and Spock engage in sexual intercourse after his Pon Farr cycle?" Uhura asked as succinctly as she could. Chapel swallowed, and a portion of her wanted to lie, but she told the truth anyway, knowing that it really didn't matter any longer.

"No, we didn't. I wanted to, and at times he wanted to, but we didn't. For Spock, I believe that wanting to have sex with someone other than you, is probably worse than actually doing it." Uhura exhaled a breath that she'd been holding for three weeks.

"Let me explain something to you," Chapel started the story:

"_What about Uhura, how will we explain this to her? Won't she be hurt?"_

"_The truth is always desired, though problematic and painful. It will be better if we do not engage in sexual intercourse any longer, though our bond will enhance our want for it. I suggest we sleep in our allotted tents," Spock concluded his tests and exited the tent. Chapel, angered, exited the tent behind him and screamed. _

"_I'm not a toy, I'm a woman. You don't just get to use me and discard me, Spock," she turned him around and pulled his head down into a kiss. Feeling her passions and anger mingled within his mind, he was powerless to resist her._

_He allowed himself the small pleasure of kissing his bond mate, but once he touched her mind, he recoiled at the thought of it being Chapel. He pulled away._

"_I cannot continue like this and I will not. As soon as I can, I am sending a message to New Vulcan," Spock walked quickly back to his tent. Chapel stood in the middle of the campground angry and feeling used._

_****_

"This is really making me want to hit you," Uhura said. Chapel stared her square in the face.

"You've already done that, if you hit me again, I will fight you and I don't care who wins," Chapel responded.

"You have nothing to lose, I suppose," Uhura said thru gritted teeth.

"Do you want to know what happened?"

"Continue."

_For days Spock continued to avoid Chapel, spending his nights alone in his tent, in meditation for hours. This was slow torture for both of them, because they were in each other's heads. Chapel could feel his intense meditation, feel the intense emotions he thought on and they were always Nyota. _

_On some days he would meditate on her hair, and Chapel had to be privy of all the things about Nyota's hair that Spock thought were magical. The way his curled at the ends when she was directly out of the shower, the glint of the light on its shiny blackness. How light it was. Every night changed: it was her eyes, her lips, her shoulders, and the small of her back where he loved to place his hand. He would think on her hips and her long, long legs; her flat stomach, her beautifully long fingers, her breasts, and her round bottom. Then he would think about her voice, the way she sang so beautifully little African hymns as she watched him fall asleep. The sound of her voice as he entered her, the tiny mewling cries she made when they were alone and intimate. And then he would think of her laughter, so pure and pleasing to the ear that it reminded him of two crystal glasses clinking together._

_And just when Chapel thought the whole thing was over, he would marvel at her mind. At how intelligent Nyota was, how unexpected and fascinating she would always be to him. How much he truly, truly, loved her. Thoughts of them in bed, having pillow talk would ruminate, but there was one that truly stuck with Chapel. It was a simple image of Nyota and Spock, lying in their rooms, naked and satiated after making love. _

_Nyota had her head on his chest, playing with the sparse hairs there, rubbing her hands appraisingly over him. He had his arm around, curling herself so beautifully into the nook between his shoulder and his neck. They seemed so content._

"_Are you awake?" Nyota said to Spock._

"_I am, though that question is quite illogical, seeing as if I should have been sleeping, I wouldn't have answered you," Spock responded._

"_Then I still would have gotten my answer," Nyota giggled and sat up on her elbow, looking down at his eyes. She kissed him, softly and pulled away; turning her body away from him and making him spoon with her. _

"_Do you love me, Spock?" Nyota asked._

"_I do," he responded._

"_Would you ever lie to me?" Nyota asked._

"_I would not."_

"_Would you die for me?" Nyota asked._

"_You know I would."_

"_Would you kill for me?" Nyota asked, feeling slightly silly about the line of questioning, surprised that he was still answering them without his usually logical compunction._

"_Yes."_

"_Then tell me that you love me," Nyota said, strange that she needed to hear him say it. Spock could not formulate the words, so he brought his hand up to her temples and cheekbones and Nyota felt his love flood over her. She was so overwhelmed that she began to cry._

"_That much?" she asked._

"_More."_

_****_

"That was the first time he ever showed me how much he loved me," Nyota said quietly.

"I know. He was showing me what I could never have with him, and was pretty consistent. I didn't give up, I continued to try and pry him away from you, and I succeed somewhat at almost the very end."

"_You can never tell her about us, you know. Not if you love her that much and want her to love you back. You have to keep this between us. I won't tell her, and that is a promise."_

"_You want me to lie about us?" Spock asked, "I cannot do that. I promised Nyota I would never lie to her."_

"_It's not a lie, Spock. You're just not telling her the complete story of Rivas 12," Chapel responded._

"_That is a very human justification."_

"_I'll make you a deal," Chapel said, walking to her personal bags and pulling out a transmission disk, "On this disc is the response from your contact on Vulcan on how to end our bond. Make love to me the way you would Nyota, and afterwards don't tell her about it, and I'll give you the tape."_

"_When did you get that?" Spock asked, a bit taken off guard._

"_Weeks ago, Spock. While you were busy throwing images of Nyota into my mind, I was busy sabotaging your plans. You can't just use me, play with my mind, discard me and then make me out to be a whore."_

"_You seem to have done that yourself, now give me the transmission."_

"_Only if you make a deal with me," Chapel responded._

"_And if I do not make this bargain?"_

"_Then I'll throw the disc in the fire and I'll tell Nyota and McCoy that you went thru Pon Farr and raped me. It's not far from the truth."_

"_The Ensigns would be able to testify…"_

"_Ensign Marques is already worried about my well being. After those three days, the amount of bruises and bite marks and scratch marks on my body alerted the normal male response. He already thinks that you're a savage, Spock; all I need to do is say the word. I'm sure that Ensign Davis would be on his side."_

"_This is what humans call blackmail, correct?"_

"_If that's what you want to call it, I'll just call it a bargain. Do we have a deal?" she asked._

"_Yes, we do," he said. She walked over to him and kissed him._

"_Good, now make love to me…"_

_****_

"You blackmailed him! You bitch!" Nyota stood, holding her clenched fist at the side.

"I never said that I was proud."

"Blackmailing a senior officer is a penalty worthy of court martial, Chapel, I should…"

"Turn me in… and allow the whole relationship to become the talk of Starfleet. A formal record of Spock's little biological secret. I'm sure Vulcan high Command would jump at that. Do you really want for that to happen to him?"

"You're just a bitter, spiteful parody of yourself, aren't you, Chapel. Making other people's lives unhappy to protect whatever semblance of innocence you think you have. You're just lost in your own indiscretions. I hope you're happy, you've ruined not only your life, but have managed to ruin me and Spock's lives in the process."

"Love isn't always happy, Uhura, sometimes you have to make decisions."

"I haven't made mine yet, but I think I'm on the right path," Uhura walked towards the door.

"I think that he telling you despite my threats should give you your answer. He loves only you, Nyota."

"Why did he tell me, I wonder?" Nyota said, thinking aloud. And then something clicked in her head, "Wait… you said that you two didn't have sex after his Pon Farr cycle, your story doesn't jive."

"We didn't. I'm telling you the truth. He tried to hold up his end of the bargain, but he couldn't hold up something else. So I released him of that part of the bargain, as long as he didn't tell you. He still told you," Chapel responded. Nyota smiled in spite of herself.

"What good did it do you, Chapel? He still doesn't want you. Now I have to figure out how I feel about this. You know, you really need help, but I'm so far past caring about your feelings and well being that I'm not the one that's going to help you get it," Nyota said, leaving Chapel's room.

Upon exiting the stuffiness of the room, Nyota clutched her heart, and held back the tears she felt. She squeezed her fist and exhaled, allowing some tears to escape her eyes. That was entirely too intense for one afternoon.


	6. Chapter 6

He was alone in his quarters. It had been three weeks since he'd moved from his shared quarters with Uhura. These quarters were smaller but fitting of him. He was definitely beginning to miss the little warm touches that Nyota had in decoration. Where his rooms were Spartan, the quarters that he'd shared with her had been filled with a kind of glow that he was sadly missing.

He missed everything about being with Nyota. He missed her smile, the way that she tried again and again to make plomeek soup, failing every time. He concentrated on the single candle, trying to purge the emotion he felt for Nyota from his mind. He focused on how the candle glinted off of the deep, darkness of the room, the slate gray of the wall, She hated him; hadn't spoken to him in weeks, and he didn't blame her. Even though he was in deep meditation, he couldn't get her out of his brain. Nyota was inherently a part of him, even without the bond that they shared; Spock knew this to be true. He was finally falling into a deep meditative state, when he heard his door chime. He stood and bade his visitor enter.

"I'm sorry. I should have waited at the door," He turned and faced Nyota. He realized that he wasn't wearing a shirt, as was his custom during his meditation. He quickly found a shirt and pulled it over his head.

"Your presence is most welcome," Spock said, almost bursting with enthusiasm, though no one would be able to tell. Nyota could tell, she'd been with him long enough to know when he was excited about something.

"I can't stay long. I just came to say to you that I forgive you. I know that what happened on Rivas 12 was an unfortunate event and in reality not completely your fault. I've talked with Christine and she told me everything. Why didn't you tell me?" Nyota asked.

"I believe I am feeling what humans call regret," Spock responded.

"There is no need to feel like that, Spock," Nyota walked across the room and joined him. He was sitting on the floor and she was sitting on the sofa. It was like old times, when she used to watch him meditate, curled on the sofa. She fought the urge to rub her fingers through his hair to console him. She was the one that was wronged here, why did she feel the need to make him feel better.

"Nyota, what would you have me do to win your favor again?" Spock asked.

"I do not know, Spock. I love you greatly, but I just don't know what to do about us. I don't think that either one of us should be with anyone right now," Nyota responded and Spock turned around to face her. He brought his index and middle finger up to caress the same fingers of her right hand. She could feel the regret simmering below the surface. And in a strange display, she saw heartbreak roll across his face.

"I love you," Spock said the words, and to hear him say them almost broke her heart. He'd never said them, though she knew he'd felt love, but to hear him whisper those words to her made her start to tear up.

"Why did you have to wait until you messed up to say it?" she asked. Something inherently human was kicking in. He knew that if he was going to keep her in his life he had to do something more demonstrative than was his Vulcan nature.

"I love you," he repeated again, the only words that he could find to say. Saying them hurt, because he should have said them more often. Nyota stood up and walked away from her place on the couch.

"Spock, it doesn't matter now, we're finished," She said the words after a long exhale, swallowing down a hard lump of emotion. Spock stood and stared at her from across the common area.

"I love you," he said again and started to cross closer to her.

"Please, don't do this," Nyota responded, feeling her tears starting to wet her eyes. She wouldn't cry, she wouldn't cry. He was closer now, having crossed the room to kneel right in front of her. He took her hands in his, supplicated before her and lowered his head in a low bow. Her hands were wet. She lifted Spock's face up to see tears, small ones, falling down his face. It seemed as if she'd elicited an emotional response.

"I love you," he whispered again, thru the tears and the pain.

"You can say it every day for the rest of my life, but as of right now, I don't think that either of us can love anyone but ourselves," those words hurt to say. She was crying with him. In a swift moment, because the quarters were getting claustrophobic, she stepped away from Spock on the floor, turned on her heel and left the room. She ran away, down the hall, not even stopping to look back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Day 1**

Nyota woke up to her screaming alarm on her couch. After the night she'd had listening to Spock finally vocalize that he loved her over and over, she couldn't even think of sleeping in their bed. She got up and decided that before she left for duty, she'd change the sheets to get his scent off of her. This was healthy; it was a way of moving on past the break up. She went to the linen closet and picked out a pair of sheets and a blanket that he'd never slept in. She quickly changed her bed, showered, dressed in her uniform and made her way the bridge.

He was there discussing coordinates and other minutia with Kirk and she took her place at her station. She started her morning routine of checking her messages and reviewing the previous day's logs. In her messages for today there was a message from Commander Spock. The message was not marked personal or urgent, so she opened it, thinking that it would be a general message about the day's operations. Nyota was wrong.

_Message from Commander Spock,_

_ I love you, Nyota._

She quickly deleted the message and looked around, trying to find his eyes. She noted that he was staring at her, and she exhaled. His eyes left her gaze and she continued her day.

**Day 2**

There were no messages from Spock to her today. Nyota relaxed as she calmly relinquished her command to Lieutenant Frost. She passed over today's notes and then she saluted her Captain and exited the bridge. She made her way back to her quarters slowly, thinking on what she would prepare for dinner once she made it back. She didn't have any single-serving foods, so maybe she would just go to the ship's mess hall and have the replicator make her something that reminded her of home, or at least San Francisco. Upon entering her quarters she asked the computer to turn on the lights. She walked into her quarters, removing articles of clothing as she went. A hair tie there, a boot here, she unzipped the top portion of her uniform and sat on the sofa. On her coffee table there lay a beautiful Cardassian orchid, and upon that orchid was a small note. She knew exactly whom it was from. Cardassian orchids were her favorite and only one person that knew that fact was Spock. She picked up the note and read it.

_I love you._

She tore the note quickly and discarded the flower.

**Day 3**

She was working midday shift, so she didn't have to be to the bridge until later. The day before she'd made an appointment with the ship's salon. She walked in and talked with Julian, the main stylist that she always went to for her hair care needs. He greeted her with his customary hug and kiss on her cheek and bade her sit in his chair.

"So, what is it that you wish to do today, Nyota?" he asked, pushing his fingers into her silky locks and testing the weight.

"I'm single now. I haven't been single in four years. How are the single girls wearing their hair?" she asked. Julian quirked an eyebrow; he was always one for gossip.

"So you broke up with that gorgeous Vulcan of yours?" he asked, eyeing her face through the mirror. She inhaled, a frown coming to her face. She nodded in agreement.

"Well, my mother always said that once you break up with a man, you have to reinvent yourself. I suggest that you cut it, short. Very short," Julian reiterated. Nyota stared in the mirror, bit her lip and thought it over.

"Yeah, let's cut it."

****

She was almost late for her shift, but when she walked onto the bridge, she was noticed. Her hair was cut into a flattering but chic pixie style. She kind of looked like Tinkerbelle and the response from the rest of the crew was classic. She played it cool, walking onto the bridge and taking her normal station, doing her normal daily routine. Her eyes caught with that of Kirk, who was slack-jawed, much like McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, and, of course, Spock. She shifted in her chair, underneath their longing gazes and continued her work.

She checked her message and checked the coordinates. She hadn't felt this liberated in years.

"Nice hair," McCoy said, his blue eyes twinkling strangely, almost lustfully.

"Thanks," she responded. He handed her a piece of paper that was signed by Spock, it was a command list and she read it.

_I love you. I love your hair. I love everything about you._

She cleared her throat, continued her routine. She didn't even seek out his eyes. She finished her shift and retired to her quarters.

**Day 15**

She thought that he would eventually run out of ways to express his devotion to her, but this was ridiculous. This was the fifteenth day that he'd continued this stunt and this time she was tired of it. She'd returned from duty to find her front room filled with Cardassian orchids. She secretly wondered when Spock had the time to find such beautiful flowers. Between this stunt and the singing telegram, she had had enough. She grabbed up the note that undoubtedly said that he loved her and stalked to his quarters, angrily.

She rang the buzzer and entered as soon as the door opened.

"Did you know that under Starfleet Code that this could be considered harassment," she said, holding up the Cardassian orchid and the note.

"I did not think that you would note it as harassment. However, if you wish to report me, go ahead," Spock said coolly. She threw the flower at him, hitting him square in the face.

"Spock, I said that it was over and I meant it," she said angrily.

"Our relationship may be concluded but my love for you is still evident," he responded.

"Spock, this is difficult for me and your continued pursuing of me doesn't make it any easier. I need for you to stop."

"Maybe we could…" he started.

"I have a date," she quickly interrupted, "with Len." She squared off with him.

Spock felt as if he'd been hit in the face. He swallowed down his emotions and became as stoic as he could muster. It was quiet, the pause pregnant and still.

"Say something," she urged.

"What do you wish me to say?" he asked.

"It's too difficult to muster."

"I've already said everything that I can. I love you and I always will," he responded. She nodded her head and exhaled.

"Duly noted," she responded and exited his room.

**Day 17**

She looked amazing. She'd washed her hair and allowed it to dry naturally, bringing out the tangled curls in the short pixie cut. She was dressed in a small black dress that was sensual and casually short. The dress was longer than her uniform, but still short, and the off the shoulder sleeves accentuated her collar bone. She'd done her makeup quite naturally and added a bit of red lipstick to her lips. She was radiant. The chime at her door broke her from her revelry and she told the computer to allow her visitor to enter.

"Nyota?" it was McCoy's voice. She smiled to herself and walked from her bedroom into the common room. Bones' mouth went slack with admiration and something akin to lust.

"Are you ready to go?" he asked, finding his voice.

"One moment," she said, looking for her PADD, finding it and scrolling through her messages not seeing one from Spock. A portion of her became saddened yet determined and she nodded grabbing her purse and following Bones out of her door.

He took her to his quarters where he had a candlelit meal laid out. He was a complete gentleman: pulling out her chair, serving each course, engaging her in conversation. They talked and laughed, and Nyota hadn't realized how much she and Bones had in common until that night. After the meal they watched an early twentieth century movie, Casablanca. Nyota had never seen it and was engaged the whole time.

At the end of the night, when it was time for her to go, Bones reached out and held her hand to his lips and kissed it. With a bold move she edged forward and kissed him. The kiss was small but quickly escalated into something else. He nibbled on her bottom lip and she allowed his tongue entrance into her mouth. Bones' kisses brought Nyota back in time.

_His hands were wrapped tightly around her waist and she could feel the heat of his Vulcan nature pressed against her. He was so warm; it was something that she would always remember from this day, how warm Spock felt against her. His heartbeat was strong against her ribcage, and she tightened her grip around his back, pulling him in closer to the kiss. This was the first time that they'd kissed. It was the best kiss in memory, because it was unexpected. Spock would call it fascinating. She felt his hands cupping her face and she moved her hands up to his hair, tracing the pointed outline of his ears. She felt his shiver and then he pulled away. _

"_That was… " he was speechless, and she knew after this that she didn't want him to be able to speak about her kisses ever. She was flattered and unrepentantly happy. She felt his grip on her waist tighten and she pulled him down for another kiss, this one less new, but more exploratory. His kisses explored her mouth and then lower to her neck and her sensitive collar bones. His hands were in her hair and he was still so warm. She was surprised that a Vulcan could be this passionate. _

"Where are you?" she heard Len's voice ask through the fog of her memories. She looked back up at him and kissed him. Bones relished the feeling and guided her towards the couch. Her knees hit the back of the couch and she was under him, feeling Bones grow hard against her thigh. His hands were everywhere, all over her and then she felt one of his hands kneed her breasts and instantly grew cold. Bones felt the chill.

"I'm sorry" she said. He stopped and looked down on her. He sat up, allowing her air and distance.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I can't do this," she responded.

"I'm glad that you realized that before anything happened," Bone responded, "one of us could have gotten hurt easily."

"I'm sorry, Len. This is just too much. It's only been two weeks and I just can't move on that quickly. You're a great guy, I just…" she was quiet.

"You can't get over him," Bones responded.

"He's not the issue," Uhura lied.

"Spock is the issue," Bones responded, finally saying Spock's name.

"Maybe he is, I don't know. I just know that I can't move on this quickly. I want to, believe me I do," she smiled slyly.

"This may hurt everything that I'm trying to achieve here, but you love him, and I can't be the person that stands in the way of that kind of love. He loves you, and I think that maybe you need to consider that love that he has for you."

"Don't lecture me."

"You sound like him."

"Why are you being cruel?" she asked.

"I'm not trying to be. You just need to understand that he made a MISTAKE. Who doesn't make those? He who is without sin, cast the first stone, sweetheart."

"Fuck you, Len."

"You can't and you won't. Hate me for saying this, but take him back."

"I do hate you for saying this. This is not your fight, Len."

"No, it's not. But I'm pissed at both of you and I'm saying it. Stop trying to fight being together and just be together," he held her by her shoulders and shook her for emphasis. Nyota heard her PADD ding with the familiar sound that she had a message.

"That's him, you know. Read it," Bones said, walking toward his kitchen and getting a drink of water. Nyota walked over to her PADD, pulled up the message and read it.

_I know that I am the last on your mind that I am the last who you care about, but I must let you know that I love you. I must say that I have never apologized for my actions, and I realize that that is my fault, my error in ways. If ever a Vulcan did feel regret, I feel it. If ever a Vulcan did feel remorse I know it. If ever a Vulcan did understand what being human was, I am that Know this, if ever a Vulcan/Human hybrid did ever feel love, I feel that for you. I love you, I love you, I love you._

_Spock_

"You hold something over that green-blooded hobgoblin, you have him. Go to him," Bones responded. Nyota bit her bottom lip and nodded. She stood, kissed McCoy on the cheek, and exited his room.


	8. Chapter 8

Spock sat quietly in his quarters at his desk studying the coordinates for the next mission. He knew that Nyota was currently on her date with McCoy. He wished her joy in her next romantic venture, but there was a sense of ache welling inside of him at having betrayed and lost her. She would never know that she was his touchstone. She was ever to thank for making him more human. She made him more accessible, friendlier, and inside he knew that life would be less enjoyable without her by his side.

She would always be by his side, the beautiful and purposeful Communications officer that was his literal dream and queen. However, now, she would always just be his friend, and he would learn to cherish a relationship with her that was something less than ideal. A beep at his door tore him from his studies.

"Come," he responded not looking up from his desk. Nyota entered the room and he could sense her presence behind him. He could smell her notable scent and he looked up from his computer, listening to footsteps drawing nearer.

"I received your message on my PADD," she said. She looked beautiful. Her hair was curled and short, the dress was spectacular. He halfway wondered why she'd never worn this particular outfit for him. He started to stand.

"No, stay seated. I have something to say," she started. Spock only nodded in agreement. Nyota walked closer to him and stood in front of him while he sat at his computer and watched her.

"You apologized and I couldn't be more confused by this moment. I should let you know that nothing happened with McCoy, he's always the voice of reason and when I couldn't move past what has happened he told me not to. I love you, Spock. I honestly and truly love you, and I think that we should try to move past everything that has happened. Trust is an issue, and this move scares me most of all, because I don't know how we are going to rebuild everything that was lost on Rivas 12. Do you?" she asked, sitting finally, looking at nothing but Spock's eyes. He didn't look away, only allowed his mind to contemplate the pregnant pause.

"I did not intend my message to stop your evolution away from our relationship. But I must say that I am glad that you've come to my quarters, as much as I am overjoyed to see you. I do not know how to move on from this, I do not know what to do or to say to regain your trust, but I will try everyday to do so," Spock's words were solid and Nyota knew them to be. She walked closer to him and batted her eyes in a way that Spock had always found pleasant. She was open to him the way that they used to be. He decided to show her how much he could be open to her. He grabbed her hand, closing the expanse that was separating them. She looked at him with a strange look in her eyes and allowed him to pull her forward.

"What is it that you suggest?" he asked, pulling her towards him and putting his head against hers. She felt his warm lips against her forehead and stiffened. He felt her move away from him emotionally and stopped his actions. He looked up and their eyes caught.

"Too fast," she said, moving away from him and walking towards his chair away from his seat on the couch.

"I apologize," he responded.

"Don't apologize. You're opening up, Spock. This is everything I wanted, I just never wanted it to be…" she started to tear up, "not like this."

"And I will always try to be open to you, my Nyota," Spock responded, moving across the expanse again to kneel in front of her. She wasn't looking at him as he did it, but to see a Vulcan supplicate for you was a rare sight. Spock had done kneeled before her twice. She finally looked at him, his face even with hers and his eyes deep pools of ebony emotions. She reached out and touched his face with her hand and allowed her body to mold to his.

"I need to know that this won't happen in another seven years. I don't know that I can move on past this, but I'm going to try. Right now I don't trust you."

"I propose that we start over. Everything will be like it was in the beginning. I will gain your trust back," he held her hand to his heart. She pulled away form their embrace to stare into his eyes.

"No, Spock. We don't start over, we move on from this, together. We can't start over, we just have to know that the love that we have for one another is going to last. So we work hard to trust one another, and instead of fighting… we fuck," Nyota smiled. Spock almost smiled with an upturn of his lips. She pulled him in close and their lips touched slowly. He laid his head on her chest and she rocked him back and forth until they both fell asleep.

****


	9. Chapter 9

Some things between them just got lost in translation, and Nyota had to accept that. A month had passed since they'd had their heart to heart or heart to mind as Spock was concerned and things had progressed quite slowly. After Chapel put in for a transfer to a space dock in the Lorentian system (making her only accessible to the crew every three months), the tension seemed to ease much more. Uhura didn't realize how much tension she was carrying around until Kirk told her that Chapel had officially left the Enterprise, not to be seen or heard from again until three months down the road. Uhura smiled to herself now that the woman was gone. Now, it was time for her and Spock to heal from the infidelity, now that she could breathe.

"McCoy, I need your help," Uhura said as she walked towards the turbolift. Her shift was over, but Spock was still in charge on the bridge. She and McCoy were on their way to the ship's mess hall.

"Anything for you, Miss Uhura," McCoy smiled.

"Well, as you know, Spock and I are trying to move on and I was thinking it would be healthy if we both saw a counselor," Uhura said. McCoy stopped mid-stride and started laughing uncontrollably. Uhura regarded him with a look that could kill. McCoy stopped his bawdy laughter immediately.

"I'm sorry, the mental pictures of Spock lying stock-still on a shrink's couch just made me laugh. Could you see him reiterating his daddy-issues in that placid tone of his?"

"Len, I'm trying to be serious," Uhura said, the corners of her mouth turning up, the mental image almost making her crack.

"Okay, I know you are," McCoy said and continued to walk towards the mess. They reached the mess hall quite quickly, ordered their food from the replicator and said across from one another.

"Here's the problem, and it's mostly me. I can't… I can't have sex with him yet. Let me explain" and she started a story about the other night.

_Two nights prior_

_She didn't know if it was the wine she'd had with dinner or the way Spock's lips always affected her, but she wanted him. This was one of their only free nights together, and as usual for the past month, she and Spock had dinner in his quarters and then either played and sang or watched an old earth movie. Tonight after Spock had created a creative mix of Middle Eastern spices and Vulcan vegetables, both he and Uhura were on his sofa watching "Some like it hot." It was a movie Nyota's grandmother had always enjoyed and therefore he was enduring the illogical nonsense of Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon as they dressed in drag to both win over Marylin Monroe and hide from the mob; highly illogical. _

_He was enjoying the movie in spite of himself, because of the placement of Uhura's small body. Her head was on his shoulder and her legs were curled underneath her body, their hands intertwined. This moment reminded him of times when they first started seeing one another, and those stolen moments of peace he experienced when she was with him in those Academy days. Yet, there was something different with this night. He could feel her emotions starting to flare and so he stiffened and moved away. Generally, she would put a stop their closeness, feigning that it was too fast to continue in such a way, but tonight, Nyota was unstoppable. _

_He felt her hands leave his own and snake around his torso as she slid gracefully over to him, straddling his lap. Spock swallowed reflexively. He felt her lips feather against his jaw-line and inhaled sharply. She worked her way to his lips and they kissed deeply. He couldn't resist wrapping his arms around her thin waist and pulling her hot center over his quickly hardening member. His hands traced down her back, and as she arched her back, giving his lips access to her neck, a moan escaped her lips that she'd been holding for far too long. One hand held her back and the other escaped and traced down the side of her face, down her chest to cup one of her small and perfect breasts. Uhura froze. _

"_I'm sorry," she said out of breath and stiff. She lowered her head in hardened shame. _

"_Why do you apologize?" Spock asked._

"_For leading you on, for being a tease, I shouldn't have started something that I wasn't completely sure I would be able to go thru with."_

"_Do you not see this as progress?" Spock asked. Nyota stood up quickly, smoothing her uniform skirt and donning her boots quickly. _

"_No Spock. And you can blame it on me for making us go a couple of steps backwards. I gotta go," Nyota said and almost ran from the room. _

"That's rough, kid," McCoy said, sipping on his drink. Nyota shook her head and exhaled.

"I know."

"Well, you'll be happy to know that the ship just picked up a counselor," McCoy said through a small bite of a sandwich.

"Really? When?"

"When we dropped Christine off in the Lorentian system I put in for a counselor. Her name is Anathema Sudri, she's a Betazoid. And she's quite a brilliant doctor; empathic, ethereal and all that Betazoid goodness. Talk to Spock and set up an appointment. I'm sure she'd be more than excited to help. You know, Betazoids are extremely friendly," McCoy swallowed, realizing that he was ranting. Uhura's eyebrows crinkled to the middle of her forehead, much like Spock's. It wouldn't do McCoy to point out that she'd been spending a lot of time with the Vulcan of hers, despite their problems they were rubbing off on one another.

"Why are you blushing?" Nyota asked, slightly amused.

"I'm not blushing," McCoy lowered his head.

"You're a bit red. And I never knew that you learned so much about Betazoid's personalities in med-school. I think someone has a bit of a crush," Nyota joked.

"I'm an adult, we don't crush."

"Well, if you do have one she already knows about it. Betazoids are telepathic as well, although she'd probably never read your mind without your permission, but you never can tell. Not that you aren't transparent enough, Len."

"This is the last time I help you," McCoy said, waiting for Uhura to finish her meal. She couldn't finish her food thru the fits of giggles.

"Where do I go to make an appointment?" Uhura asked.

"Her office is next to my office down in sick bay," McCoy said matter-of-factly.

"Kinky," Uhura laughed. McCoy rolled his eyes and got his things and got up from the table to walk away.

****

Dr. Sudri was a woman short in stature with remarkable long black hair that had a bluish tint to it. Her face was round and attractive and she had subtle curves to her figure that any man would find pleasing. Her eyes, much like others of her race were strangely dark with iris' just as dark. She was adjusting things in her office when she heard a knock at the door.

"Come," she said in a very soft and appealing voice. McCoy entered carefully, and stood in the doorway.

"Isn't it considered rude in your human customs, especially in the region of that world that you hail from to linger in doorways?" she asked, a look of levity in her dark eyes. McCoy could tell that she was joking. She'd always had a great sense of humor.

"I just wanted to come by and welcome you to the ship."

"Leonard it has been a long time since I've seen you or since last we spoke. I have some Tennessee whiskey in one of these boxes, I'm sure I could trouble you to join me for a drink," she smiled.

"I'm not on duty so I don't see why not. I actually stopped by on business," he said. McCoy watched as the petite Betazoid female removed two glasses and some Jack Daniels from her boxes.

"I'm listening," she said pouring the whiskey. McCoy sat down on her desk across from her.

"The First officer and the Communications officer want to come discuss some personal matters with you about their romantic relationship. It's a long story; I should probably let them tell you, but it includes an infidelity on the part of Spock."

"I see why this is so close to your heart," her face changed somewhat.

"You know Ana, if you think that it will help them reconcile everything, you should tell them about us. I don't mind. We were young and that was a long time ago," McCoy said, swallowing his drink quickly.

"I'll keep that in mind. I'll let them know that despite personal reservations that you reconciled with your wife and everything turned out fine," she was being slightly cruel. Leonard realized that he probably deserved that, but he wasn't going to stay here and rehash this old argument. He finished his drink, nodded his head in thanks and start to leave.

"Leo, did you ever love me?" Anathema asked. He found it hard to stare into her beautiful eyes, his heart breaking.

"Oh yes, so much. But I had a wife and a kid on the way and duties and responsibilities. What kind of man would I be if I let my love for you get in the way of my love for my little girl and the duty to my wife?"

"And now? What about now?"

"I'm not married now. And I think that if we could reconcile that I would be tempted to marry again. Goodnight, Ana." McCoy bowed his head and excited her office. Anathema smiled and finished her drink.


	10. Chapter 10

This was unheard of in his world, and he couldn't allow it to take place. Talking with another about sexual habits was not something a Vulcan could dignify. Uhura knew this; she knew that his cultural mores were more than against this. So, in this and in all things, Spock decided to be stubborn.

"I cannot abide by therapy, Nyota," Spock responded coolly. Her eyes widened, she knew this wasn't going to be an easy sell, but she didn't expect him to regard her with a flat-out no. She had methods of getting Spock to do what she wanted, so she decided to try the first one. Method one included soft touches to the nape of his neck and a stroke over the tip of his left ear as she murmured quietly what she wished for into his right. His left ear was the more sensitive of the two, and if she touched him just right… yup, his eyes closed.

"Nyota," his voice was hoarse and dry, "I cannot do this." She stopped her ministrations immediately, and Spock's head quirked to the side much like a dog's when they are confused. She walked away from him and sat to pout on the couch. Method two was the whiniest of all of her methods. Nyota, unknowingly, automatically reverted to a child when Spock refused her anything. She would make her voice nasally and sing-song, and pout until his annoyance would make him acquiesce to her request.

"No," he kept responding. She bit her bottom lip between her teeth and growled in frustration. Method three: all out anger.

"Well, why not?" she asked, her voice reaching that deep bellow, reminding Spock of that day when he'd assigned her to the Farragut instead of the Enterprise. He hated it when she was like that.

"Because it is just not done in my culture, bringing another person into the relationship," Spock responded and as soon as he did, he knew that he'd made a mistake. Her eyes widened even bigger and then they squinted the way they did when she was truly angry. He saw her fist ball up on her sides as she approached him. And then she started to giggle almost maniacally. He was in a lot of trouble.

"Oh is it?" she asked rhetorically, "because if I'm correct, you already brought another person into this relationship. I don't see how bringing yet another woman into this relationship is going to mess up our track record. You can have your very own Vulcan harem, like your brother," she knew she probably shouldn't have said that. At that, she saw Spock's jaw twitch.

"If you want to go discuss our private life with a stranger, then YOU go, Nyota. I do not care about being any part of it," Spock said, on the verge of his calm.

"You have no idea how disgusted I am with you right now."

"Calling me names and manipulation is not going to work, Nyota. This conversation is over, you have my answer."

"I thought that maybe you would want to try something because nothing else is working."

"It's not working because you refuse to forgive me."

"Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, Spock. It's hard for me. You get to have everything and I was the one betrayed."

"If that's your emotional state, then maybe we shouldn't even be doing this. I am exhausted from expending much of my energy on reigning in your emotions and understanding my reactions to them. I made a mistake, a very grave, unfortunate mistake; however, if you intend to punish me every day for the rest of your life then that isn't forgiveness, Nyota, its slow torture."

"I'm sorry that our relationship is no longer easy, but whose fault is that. I'm setting up an appointment for tomorrow after both of our shifts. If you come that's great, if you don't we're over," with those words, she got up and left. Spock blinked and felt his heart sink.

"Ponnfo miran," he cursed in Vulcan.

****

"Just go you prideful, stupid, ass," Kirk said moving Bishop to capture Spock's Knight. The half-Vulcan was way off his game tonight and Kirk was wiping the metaphorical floor with him.

"I'm intending to go, I just wished to let her know how displeased I am with doing so," Spock said collecting Kirk's pawn, but exposing his King to danger.

"You don't have a right to have an opinion on anything for a very long time when it comes to your relationship with Uhura. Checkmate!" Kirk shouted with joy, he beat Spock at chess very seldom. Spock leaned back in the comfortable leather chair of Kirk's front room and thought about Kirk's words. As Spock was thinking Bones came in and joined them.

"If you ever want to get back into your girlfriend's pants again, you'd go to the therapy sessions," Bones said, pouring a drink.

"What brings you by?" Kirk asked, surprised to see his friend, "haven't seen you in days."

"I've been busy, what's it to you?" Bones asked, knowing that Kirk's line of questioning had reasoning behind it. Bones sat down in the third comfortable chair and he started to sip his whiskey.

"Word is around the ship that you've been seeing Dr. Sudri," Kirk smiled devilishly.

"We're old friends, back from Med-School. We've just been catching up that's all."

"Always beyond reproach, eh Doctor," Kirk laughed and clapped Bones on his shoulder.

"Not always," Bones said, swallowing.

"Is she aware of what her name means in Standard?" Kirk asked, a smile lighting his face.

"Yes Jim, she's aware, quite aware. It caused her some serious teasing back in Med-School," Bones said those words with a smile on his face, placidly remembering the first time he'd ever met Anathema.

_Coffee shops never lost their appeal; they'd actually grown in popularity, especially with the new coffee beans imported from Trill. He was studying for his final exam in Alien forms nomenclature when he felt the need to get up and have another cup of the daily brew. It was his normal routine, the coffee shop, the daily brew, the studying until his eyes crossed. He was walking unawares towards the coffee spout when a smaller, daintier, beautiful creature ran directly into him with her books and her PADD and her bag. Coffees went flying, things dropped to the floor, there was a large mess for them to clean up and yet, they were both laughing so hard that the whole of the coffee shop stopped and stared. _

_She stood first and offered him a hand, looking at the mess made down the front of his khaki slacks. He took her hand and stood, almost slipping again on the mess of coffee and paper and mechanical instruments strewn across the ground. There was a cleanup crew there faster than they could even stop laughing, robots buzzing around into action, soaking up the coffee from the wooden floor and polishing it to a high shine. There were even robots that refilled both of their cups and served them. When the smoke settled, they were seated by the window where McCoy had been originally still laughing. _

"_McCoy, Leonard McCoy," he said after his chuckles had subsided._

"_Anathema," she said, and he noted the darkness of her eyes._

"_Anathema is your name?"_

"_After today's events it should be obvious why," she joked._

"_You're not a curse, you're just clumsy," they both laughed at that. Then it was quiet as their laughter subsided, and they both looked anywhere but at one another, taking quick sips of their coffee and clearing their respective throats. _

"_What are you studying," she finally spoke, stopping the silence. _

"_Alien biology nomenclature, I have a final tomorrow."_

"_So you're going to be a surgeon?"_

"_Yes, in theory. And you're a Betazoid, correct," McCoy responded._

"_Was it the eyes that gave it away," she said, locking her dark eyes with his. _

"_Are you reading my mind?" he smiled. She smiled at this too. It was quiet again. They didn't know what to do with the uncomfortable silence. Neither of them were talkers, per se, but after a meeting as strange as this one what was there to say?_

"_I try not to do it unless I am given permission," she responded._

"_That's good," he smiled and ran his hand through his hair. She noted the small, silver band on his finger and inhaled._

"_You're married?" she asked, shocked at her forwardness._

"_Uh… yeah, I am. Four years now. I'm not happy about that, though," Bones responded, strangely feeling how he could open up to this woman he barely knew._

"_Well, I'm at the university for Psychological Studies. Do you want to talk about it?" she asked._

"_This conversation couldn't be any more awkward," McCoy said._

"_I've had more awkward conversations."_

"Bones? You still there?" Kirk said, waving his hand in front of McCoy's face.

"Thanks for the drink Jim-boy, I gotta go. Oh and Spock, go to the fucking therapy sessions," Bones said as he quickly left Kirk's quarters. Bones quickly made his way down towards Anathema's room. He stood in front of the room and waited, trying to think what he could say to her.

"Leo, what are you doing here?" she asked from behind him. He turned around and his mouth opened and closed like a fish. And then he got his mind back to him and walked towards her, grabbed her around her waist and pulled her close.

"I've always wanted to do this," and then he pulled her in for a kiss.

"Leo?" she asked, when he pulled away.

"Just shut up and kiss me again,"

****

Dr. Sudri walked into her therapy session with Nyota and Spock humming an old Betazed tune. She smiled at them and then reined all of her emotions inwardly. The couple wasn't exactly happy, and the Vulcan wasn't happy at all, as she allowed her mind to wash over him. She sat down at her desk, clearing her throat and taking on her best professional psychiatrist role.

"Thank you for coming today, Nyota, Spock, I hope that we can make this first therapy session productive."

"What do we need to do?" Nyota asked, never having gone to therapy before.

"Just be honest, this is about you both. Now explain to me why you're here."

"We are here because Spock cheated on me," Uhura responded. Spock almost rolled his eyes, and added.

"During Pon Farr."

"That is not a good excuse, Spock. I thought we'd had this conversation."

"We have, I just want to reiterate my point. It wasn't as if I wanted to commit the infidelity, much like coming to this therapy session seems futile." Spock looked at Nyota who regarded him with angry eyes.

"You said you'd be open to this."

"I said no such thing. I said that I wouldn't come to this session. This is completely against my culture."

"Then why did you come here, Mr. Spock?" Anathema asked.

"Nyota said that if I didn't come then our relationship was over," Spock lifted and eyebrow.

"I thought that would make you want to work things out."

"Ultimatums are not requests, Nyota," Spock responded.

"Oh I have a request, Fuck off!"

"Fuck is an interesting choice of words, considering…"

"Considering what Spock? What is it that YOU have to say about fucking?" Nyota regarded him with a strange look.

"I have no comment on the matter."

"Alright, this is obviously getting nowhere," Anathema said, "let's start from the beginning. Spock, you're obviously here for the wrong reasons, but you came. Why did you come?" It was quiet as Spock eyed Anathema.

"I want to… work things out with Nyota, despite her obvious anger and distrust of me, and of her ultimatum about the relationship."

"And this kind of situation is against your cultural mores, correct?" Anathema asked. Spock only nodded.

"And you understand this, Lieutenant?" Anathema asked. Uhura nodded quietly, "this is a start. This is progress. This is love; despite his cultural fears of therapy, he has decided to join you here, where he is most uncomfortable. He compromised, which seems to be the problem with this relationship at the moment. Compromise is the cornerstone of trust. You have to trust that the other person is going to keep their end of the bargain. So, Nyota, what is it that you are willing to compromise about?"

"I think I've compromised enough. He slept with another woman; I am not at fault here!"

"No, you're not, but if you've come to the conclusion that you've forgiven him for that, then you need to forgive him and move past that. Holding that type of anger against him is not conducive to forgiveness," Anathema said. Nyota swallowed deeply and nodded in agreement. Nyota turned to look at Spock and exhaled.

"I'm still angry with him. I know that it's not logical that I forgive him and still be angry, but I am."

"Why are you still angry?"

"I just don't think he knows how much it hurt me to know that he'd been with someone else. Even if it was Pon Farr, I just can't understand."

"You never will be able to understand, because it's an alien concept," Spock regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. The tears that had been threatening Nyota's eyes started to fall freely.

"Don't you think I know this? Don't you think that there are things about us that will never be solved? But it has to work, your parents worked."

"I am not my father," Spock responded in almost a whisper, "and you are not my mother. We are not my parents, and I am glad of that." Nyota regarded him strangely.

"Why are you glad of that?"

"We can make our own path, Nyota. I would like to make our own path," Spock responded. It was quiet as the Vulcan allowed his deepest feelings to be aired. Anathema allowed a moment for Nyota to absorb his words.

"What path is that, Spock?"

"I do not know and I cannot tell you. I cannot see the future, but I do want you to be in my future," Spock responded honestly.

"And I want you in mine," she responded. It was silent for a while.

"This is good. You both love one another enough to see that the future is better with one another. Spock, she is going to be angry with you for a long time, you must understand that."

"But will she always hold my indiscretion against me?" Spock asked, the shame and breadth of the situation always coming thru, making him hurt.

"You don't know if she will, much like she doesn't know if you will continue to be faithful to her. But what the two of you do know is that you both love one another and you both want this to work, and you have to believe that the love that you both have for one another will make it work. That is what we will discover in our sessions together," Dr. Sudri said. The rest of the session went smoothly, not anger, no arguments, just talking about what the future held and a complete run-down about the events that had happened. When Anathema excused them from the session, both of them looked tired and worn and ready to retire to bed.

"How'd they do?" Len asked.

"I cannot divulge that to you," Anathema smiled.

"I know, I just thought I'd test your Hippocratic Oath," Bone smiled. She walked over to him and he wrapped his arms around her.

"I cannot help but parallel them to us, Leo. We are two people from separate worlds and there are things that we are going to do to one another that are going to seem alien."

"The way I see it, Ana, I've been with a human female and she was more alien to me than you have ever seemed," he lowered his lips down to kiss her and she welcomed it.


	11. Chapter 11

Spock and Uhura sat in Anathema's office staring at one another and thinking deeply. The last question had been a very awkward one, and Spock seemed to everyone that he wasn't going to answer. Five minutes into waiting for him to answer, as Anathema had said take all the time he needed, Spock finally opened his mouth to speak, only to wait until another minute to actually speak.

"This is highly unorthodox, to be talking about this," Spock responded.

"I understand that it is difficult, Mr. Spock, but I assure you that anything you say will not be repeated outside of this room. Consider this an experiment and I promise this will go a little better," Anathema said in a very calm voice. They waited another five minutes and Spock finally responded in kind this time.

"I have been masturbating to compensate for a loss in my sexual partner in Nyota. This is something not uncommon among my people, it is just not discussed."

"And when you masturbate who do you think of?" Nyota asked, her eye arching into her hairline. Spock noted that she strangely looked like her mother, or maybe she picked that facial expression up from him.

"I think of you, Nyota," Spock flushed green. Nyota was taken aback by this confession. Vulcan's never lied. She didn't know why she was surprised by this, it just shocked her.

"You don't think of anything or anyone else?" She pressed.

"No I do not, Nyota. Only you," he said slightly ashamed. Anathema turned to see Nyota's face almost welling up with something akin to shame.

"Nyota, why do you have that look on your face?" Nyota looked at Anathema and swallowed her facial expression.

"What look?" Uhura stated a bit defensively.

"Lieutenant, you are a Xenolinguist, correct?" Anathema asked.

"Yes I am."

"So that means that you had to study different cultures to understand the full meaning behind their language. I am sure, being the intelligent woman that you are, that you read in all of your studies about the telepathic abilities of Betazoids."

"I have, yes," Nyota responded a bit wary.

"Then you know that I can read your mind and that I do know what you were thinking when I asked you about your facial expression. Now I will not express those feelings to the rest of the parties involved in this session, but I will remind you that you demanded Mr. Spock to be open, which means that you need to be open as well," Anathema said the words as calmly and professionally as she could, never taking her dark eyes away from Nyota's. Nyota looked away first and swallowed deeply again.

"What do you have to say to me, Nyota?" Spock asked. He looked, for him, confused, as if he'd just discovered a new life form.

"Spock… I think about other men sometimes when I…masturbate," Nyota said the words not looking at him; she was looking down at the ground. Spock felt the urge to run. He didn't want to hear about it. He didn't want to know. If this was the human concept of healing, he would hate to feel the human version of pain.

"Spock, breathe," Anathema said, noting that the Vulcan was turning an unsightly shade of green. Spock let out a deep breath and stared down Nyota.

"I'm going to leave," Spock responded, and started to stand.

"No, Spock, please don't leave," Nyota said, grabbing his hand and tears falling from her eyes. He pushed away her hand, not wanting to touch her at this moment, not wanting her to feel his emotions or to feel hers. He wanted to be numb, a human response to a human emotion, pain.

"Just give me a moment, I feel as if I'm suffocating in this room," Spock said and exited the room. It was quiet as Nyota sat crying quietly, and then she spoke.

"This will never work, will it? Two people from different worlds can't ever be together. His parents were a fluke and we're proof of that. He will always be more Vulcan than human, and if we had children, then those children will always be more human than Vulcan, and will never understand any of their roots. This is too hard," Nyota cried.

"Love is difficult. There is a story that I must share with you, Leonard asked me to share it with you, should this concept come up," Anathema responded and started her story:

_She and he were alone again, and she could feel his energy tingling around a subject that made both of them nervous. His marriage wasn't sound, and he spent more time with her than he did his wife, but he wouldn't admit it; he wouldn't allow his gentlemanly persona to slip for one moment. Leonard was always above reproach, he was always the good man, doing exactly the opposite of what he wanted to do. _

_All the while she sat trying to study and staring at him as he engulfed himself into his books, trying not to think at all about what was on his mind or in his heart. She wanted him, but knew better than to try and discuss this with him. It had been three months since they'd met at the coffee shop and they'd spent every free moment together discussing medicine. His wife knew of her existence and consistently stayed on McCoy's com as if to remind them both that if anything happened there would be consequences. As a matter of fact she was calling him now._

"_Hello Marie, yeah, I'm studying. I'll be home later, I have a big test tomorrow and I'm studying. It is gonna be a late night, darlin'. Ok, see ya later. You got something to tell me later, ok, well then I'll try to finish up early. Yeah… me too," and then he hung up. She watched his eyes roll and his wide smile flash and his blue eyes dull as he talked to his wife. She could read his mind, the lies that he was telling her. She smiled falsely at him and read his mind and then glanced away. _

"_Why lie to her?" Anathema asked her eyes sad. McCoy regarded her with seriousness._

"_I'm not lying to her. We __**are**__ studying, we are…"_

"_I'm leaving," she said and started packing her things to leave._

"_Anathema, don't go," he said, standing and grabbing her hands._

"_Please just stop this. I can't continue to pretend that something is going to happen when nothing is ever going to happen. You're too good and I'm too bad, because I want you. I've wanted you since the day that I met you and I know I'm too alien to be anything that you will ever… want back," Anathema grabbed her things and left. McCoy watched her leave and couldn't find it in him to go after her. He wanted her too, but he was married and he couldn't do it._

"That happened between you and McCoy?" Nyota asked.

"It did. He loved me and I loved him, but circumstances drew us apart," before Anathema could finish her sentence, Spock re-entered the room and sat stock-still. He was quiet for a moment until he looked at Nyota with stern eyes and spoke.

"Who do you think about when you touch yourself, if it is not me?"

"Spock, it wasn't supposed to be…"

"Nyota, answer the question."

"Kirk, McCoy, Sulu. But you the majority of the time you," she said, holding her head low in shame, "I'm sorry."

"I have hurt you so badly that you do not find me sexually attractive any longer."

"I do. The other night when we couldn't make love, I wanted you so badly, I just couldn't imagine being with you without thinking of you with Chapel."

"I've been with other women before you, Nyota, you should know this."

"W-what?" Nyota asked, stuttering.

"Yes, before I even knew you. We've never had this conversation, and I think it is time that we discuss our sexual exploration with one another. I am not a eunuch, nor am I full Vulcan. I am a man and I find other women attractive, and I have been with other women sexually," Spock responded rather stoically.

"What's your point?" Nyota asked.

"It's only you I think about when I am alone. It is only you that makes me aroused. I think of only you. I want only you, Nyota. And if you feel as if you want someone else…"

"Spock, I don't want anyone else but you. I just want for your touch not to feel like acid burning my skin. I want my mind not to falter when you kiss me. I don't want Chapel to be between us when I think of us together. I want to feel as if I'm the only one again."

"Then maybe exploration with another male is what you need to truly get over my indiscretion, because nothing seems to be working. I cannot make you stop thinking about Chapel. Maybe your human need for revenge will quell your thoughts," Spock said logically.

"You won't even fight for me!" Nyota screamed.

"I believe I fight for you every day. I come here; I discuss these private matters with a complete stranger. I tell you that I love you, and you are considerably angrier with me for being honest with you than if I would have lied, if I wouldn't have done this at all. I love you, Nyota, I want you in my life. I want for us to work out, but in my understanding I am the only one that still has to fight. Excuse me," Spock said, getting up from the chair. He was green and breathing deeply and his eyes were glistening, and despite his wanting to make things right with Nyota, something inside of him knew that today was futile. He excused himself from the room and walked briskly out of the door. Nyota stared at the door, letting her tears fall from her eyes down her cheeks.

"Why are you still sitting in here? Go after him," Anathema responded.

"He doesn't want me," Nyota said, "We're too damaged."

"Nothing is done that cannot be undone. Besides, our therapy session is over. Go, or say goodbye to the love of your life."

Nyota wiped the tears from her eyes and exited the room. Anathema could hear the muffled voice of Nyota behind the door screaming his name down the corridor and footsteps sounding like running drifting off in the distance.


	12. Chapter 12

She hated her hair and how she looked in the mirror. The day she'd cut it, she'd felt empowered, strong, now she just felt lonely and betrayed. She hated the way she felt because of the absence of the person that betrayed her. Running after Spock was something she'd wanted to do and needed to do, because pride was getting in both of their ways, especially in hers. She had forgiven him in the literal sense of the word. She'd accepted his apology, but she hadn't quite breached the emotional gap that needed to be crossed. They were sitting on two opposite halves of an unfinished bridge and it was up to both of them now to fill in the gap. He'd started and now she'd started, but at this moment, it seemed as if they would never meet in the middle.

She looked old with her hair short. Her face was lined from worry and crying, her eyes were puffy and red, and her skin lost its luster. She couldn't remember the last time she'd actually smiled with her eyes or laughed from her heart. Nothing seemed funny any longer; food had no taste, and she had no sex drive. When she did feel her libido rising, she bedded it down and shame washed over her until she found dreamless sleeps. She was a walking dead, a zombie, and she knew that everyone could see right through her.

Her front door to her quarters beeped and she mumbled a reply of entry, wondering only slightly who could be visiting her at this late hour.

"Nyota?" a kindly voice said. She recognized that it was Anathema.

"What brings you by?" Nyota asked, smiling wanly. Anathema held up a bottle of Betazed wine and a bag that Nyota didn't know the contents of.

"There are not a lot of females on this ship to which I am acquainted. There aren't lots of females on this ship at all and I thought that you could definitely use some company. So I brought by some wine and some other things, thinking we could have a girl's night in," Anathema responded with a smile. All at once Nyota started crying and smiling at the same time, covering her face from embarrassment. Anathema dropped the bag and the wine to the floor and went to embrace the younger woman with open arms.

"I'm such a silly, little girl right now," Nyota said, pulling back from the hug.

"Oh hush, you have a very good reason to be silly. Look, I just came by to get to know you as a friend, not as a therapist. We do not have to discuss your stupid boyfriend if you don't feel like it. And I'll turn off therapist and bash him with you, if that's what you want to do. Tonight, it's just us girls and a bottle of wine, and an old Earth holo of a 20th century movie called Waiting to Exhale."

"I haven't seen that one," Nyota said, walking towards her small kitchenette and grabbing two wine glasses and a bottle opener.

"It's a classic, you must," Anathema said, taking out the rest of the contents of the bag. In the bag were the Holo, some Cardassian avocado and papaya face puree, and a manicure and pedicure kit with five different nail polish colors to choose from. There were also a small batch of tissues, microwaveable popcorn, and a small hand-rolled cigarette filled with Andorian pipeweed.

"How did you get that on the ship?" Nyota asked in shock but slightly amused.

"I'm a doctor and Andorian pipeweed is known for its medicinal benefits, especially the benefit of relieving stress. A little doesn't hurt anyone," Anathema smiled.

"I haven't smoked since my first semester at the Academy. My roommate was an Orion and she loved the stuff," Uhura eyes turned sad, "she's dead now, died in the Battle of Vulcan. Her name was Gaila."

"You are in definite need of some cheering up," Anathema said, taking the glasses and pouring the deep, red wine into them.

"I am," Nyota laughed through her tears.

"Then go put on some comfortable clothes and let's just have a good time tonight, okay."

"Okay."

****

Nyota and Anathema were two glasses into the extremely strong Betazed wine, had their faces covered with face puree, and were passing around the Andorian joint, filling the cabin with thick, and aromatic smoke.

"She burned his clothes in the car?" Nyota said, giggle somewhat as she coughed and passed the joint back to Anathema who was giggling uncontrollably and filing her nails.

"That's not the best part, but close," Anathema smiled and watched as Angela Basset smoked a cigarette and threw it into the already burning pile of her cheating husband's clothes.

"The worst I ever did was assault Chapel in Medical Bay. It was so stupid of me, but it felt good. So good," Uhura said taking a long hit and exhaling clouds of smoke.

"Yes, Leo told me that he got you out of the brig. He's such a good man," Anathema said dreamily.

"What's going on between you two?" Uhura asked, smiling scandalously. Anathema smiled back and started to blush, or maybe it was the heat from the wine.

"We've kissed a lot. His kisses are like prayers," Anathema closed her eyes.

"Oooh, I love kisses like that. They're soft and deep and leave you breathless and weak afterwards, but in such a fantastic way. You feel like you're floating on air, like your lips touching is a prayer floating up to heaven. Spock used to kiss me like that," for a second Nyota had a far away look, and then she snapped out of it and poured another glass of wine.

"When we first met, I knew he was the one, despite all of the baggage."

"Yeah, tell me more about Len," Nyota said.

"You call him Len?"

"It's better than Bones," Nyota and Anathema laughed allowed at that.

"Where did he get that silly name from?"

"Oh, Kirk, the story goes that when they met Len said something to the effect that his wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce and all he had left was his bones. So, I guess the name just took," Nyota smiled.

"Oh, Marie was a pathetic woman."

"He never talks about her. I mean, he'll mention his ex-wife. I don't even think I've known her name until now."

"They were an ill-fit from the beginning. I met her on a number of occasions and she hated me, even though Leo and I were always above reproach. We've never even kissed until now."

"You two fell in love, that's worse than just sleeping with someone," Nyota said and her eyes opened wide with epiphany, "I think I just solved my own problem."

"None of that, you'll start crying and then get facial puree into your eyes," Anathema cracked a joke.

"Did you ever think he'd leave her for you?"

"I did. There was one time I definitely did, but then Marie got pregnant and he couldn't… he wouldn't leave her. He's the best man that I know, so smart and loving and honest," Anathema said, sipping her wine.

"You know, it's not the sex that bothers me about this situation with Spock and I. It's the regret that we both feel. I mean, neither one us is innocent in this situation now. It's like we're an emotional version of a white spy vs. black spy cartoon or something."

"That visual is priceless," Anathema chuckled.

"It is, but it's so true. He hurt me and now I'm trying my best to make him feel how hurt I am. And I'm not hurt by his Pon Farr sex with Chapel that was forgiven the day he told me. It's the **way** he told me, the time that elapsed between it happening and him telling me. My anger stems from the fact that I was made into a fool by a woman that meant nothing to him. And some sick, sad part of me wants to know why her feelings and her well-being were ever more important to him than mine."

"Ah yes, the elusive two weeks; I'm not standing up for him at all, but maybe he was scared of losing you."

"So that excuses him for taking me emotionally, physically and spiritually, all of me without telling me?"

"Not at all. You have every right to be upset, to be angry, to never speak to him again, but you also want him back. If you didn't want him back then you wouldn't go to therapy once a week with me."

"He's given me so many outs and I just don't take them."

"I'm speaking as your friend. How you respond to him is up to you. You can end it or you can fight with him to keep this once in a lifetime relationship alive. It's broken, but it's far from dead."

"Spock is the air I breathe; he is the rhythm of my heart. I feel guilty about thinking about men; because all I want to do is have him curled around me. And then when I think about what happened, I feel sick absolutely sick to my stomach. And I see him trying and I know he loves me, but it's like I see him in the foggy distance, coming to me."

"This isn't going to be easy. Nothing ever worth having is ever easy."

"I haven't been alone since my second year in the Academy, that's four years," Nyota said, "I haven't slept alone in three. I'm not afraid of being alone, I was before him and I can manage perfectly by myself. I just don't want to be without him, I don't want to let us go."

"Then don't. But you have to let go of your fear and apprehension. You two will hurt each other worse than anyone else in the world because you love one another. Vulnerability is the centerpiece of love. Love is just the pretty flatware. Now, which color do you want green or purple?" Anathema smiled holding up two different brilliant shades of nail polish.

*****

Leonard McCoy sat in his study up late that night reading a medical journal on his PADD. He heard his door chime and furrowed his brow at the chronometer that read 0200, but allowed the person entrance anyway. He was instantly glad that he had when he saw Anathema stumble in slightly hazy and obviously drunk.

"I like your glasses, I don't think I've ever seen them?" she said, her words slurring a bit.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yes, and a little bit high on Andorian Pipeweed," she giggled. Leonard shook his head but smiled.

"Where have you been, Miss party animal?" he asked, walking toward her and encircling her waist in his arms.

"Me and Lt. Uhura had a girl's night in."

"Girl's night in eh? I bet no topic was safe," he joked and then leaned in to kiss her. She pulled away slightly and he furrowed his eyebrows.

"Leo, where is this taking us?" she asked.

"Ana, I should have hoped that you knew this," she pulled away and walked towards his couch, her back turned.

"We've always had feelings and we've never acted on them. And now just seems so surreal and so fortuitous. I feel so lucky to have you back in my life, but I am so afraid that your… horseshit will compromise everything like it did last time."

"Horseshit?" he said, amazed at how she sounded like him, "Last time was different. I had responsibilities that I don't have now."

"No, now you have different responsibilities, different things to worry about, and I don't think that I can take another rejection. I can't take you leaving again," she finally turned and he walked toward her.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let's not end this before it starts, okay?" he cupped her face in his large hands.

"What is **this**?" she pulled away again, "of all the women and female creatures in the universe, and the world of hurt that you've been through, how is it possible that we are here, right now, together again. I mean, it's overwhelming, it's scary."

"I know it is which is why I haven't made advances."

"Maybe I want you to," she whispered.

"Is this what this is about? You want me to make love to you?" Len asked, utterly confused.

"If you make love to me will things change?"

"My feelings didn't change over the years of space and time. I loved you…"

"Do you still love me?" she asked, and he raced over to her, pulling in close and crushed their lips together. He kissed her breathless, speechless, both of their hearts racing.

"Fuck yeah," he said and kissed her again.

****

Spock was lying in his bed and he couldn't sleep. Tomorrow was another therapy session that he was not ready to tackle. He couldn't stand anymore admissions and sleepless nights. He stood from his bed and walked to the kitchen to get some water and saw Nyota sitting on his couch, their old couch.

"You didn't change the code," she said. He stared at her, noting the elevated heartbeat and the dulled eyes, and the shocking smell.

"You're intoxicated," he said, he didn't ask. He knew.

"Yes, very much so," she responded.

"Why are you here?" he asked, his voice harder than he could justify.

"I don't know. Why are you still awake?" she asked.

"I do not know," he responded and went to get his water from his kitchenette.

"You don't have to go to therapy tomorrow if you don't want to."

"Will that effectively end us if I do not go?" he asked.

"I don't know, Spock," she responded.

"There seems to be a lot that you don't know."

"Now you're just being cruel."

"I apologize."

"No, don't apologize. Be cruel if you want to be. I've been cruel to you."

"Nyota, I do not wish to argue tonight."

"Maybe we need to argue more," she said.

"We argue eighty-three percent more now than we did before."

"Maybe that's the problem. We didn't argue at all before."

"No, Nyota, it's not."

"Then maybe it's the solution."

"I do not know the solution," he said, sipping his water. They were silent, he sipping his water and her just breathing.

"What are you afraid of, Spock?"

"Fear is an illogical…"

"Spock."

"My greatest fear has already happened. I've lost my planet and I've lost my mother. But it was always you that I feared losing the most. Everything is you, Nyota."

"I'm still here Spock."

"You are still there. But your heart is closed; your mind is closed to me. You've locked me out. And the blame solely rests on me. I have ruined you, ruined us, and because I am not human enough…"

"No… don't say that."

"I pretended for so long that because I had you, I was accepted, I was human. But my body lied to me, to both of us."

"Is that why you didn't tell me about Chapel when you first got back."

"Yes," Spock said coldly, "how could you love this alien side of me when I hate it." Nyota's heart broke, and then she suddenly got angry.

"You didn't give me a choice. You took it away!"

"I know that now. I wanted to spare you the pain."

"Then why did you ever tell me?"

"You were elated when I returned. And I knew that if I told you, you'd hate me. I was selfish, scared, and foolish. And then I realized what I'd done and in a sloppy attempt to give you back what I'd taken I finally told you," Nyota slapped him.

"That's what hurt the most. Like a dagger to my heart. And then you tell me that I was never the only one, ever!"

"You never once asked. You assumed that I was too cold, too Vulcan to have other lovers before you," Spock's tone was rigid; he was rapidly losing his calm.

"Oh yes! I'm the human girl that will warm the Vulcan's heart, make him more human. You live in a fantasy world for the all the logic you speak!" Nyota's voice was raised and hoarse.

"It's not fantasy for me, Nyota, this is my life. Those were my parents."

"As you said yesterday, we are not your parents! You are not your father and I am not your mother! Your words!"

"You are correct, you are not my mother. My mother understood my father," Spock tensed his jaw.

"Yes, because she is the only human woman that can ever understand Vulcan coldness without losing her mind!" She said screaming and storming towards him.

"You have no idea the things they endured, which is something I don't want for us!" his voice is raising, much like that time with Kirk on the bridge, but Nyota didn't notice, she was too upset.

"You never told me. I see a recurring theme here!" she's still screaming he clenched his fists and walked away from her back into his kitchenette to get more water, she followed him.

"Nyota it is not my way to divulge…" he said, his voice getting louder and deeper.

"It's never your way. Why do I have to sacrifice everything that I am for you? You never compromise, you're always rigid, and you get to blame it on your Vulcan logic and taboos and mores!"

"Nyota…" Spock's voice was deep and burning.

"You get to hide all of yourself from everyone"

"Nyota," he said with more urgency and louder.

"Lie by omission!"

"Nyota!" his voice loud and deep and dark and he was staring at her.

"Break my heart," she didn't back down.

"Nyota… do not…" he started to say but was cut off again.

"Fuck whoever you want!" She said, making an emphasis by poking him in his chest.

"Nyota!"

"And cover it all up with your Vulcan Bullshit!!!" she finished.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, NYOTA?!!" Spock's scream sounded like a levy breaking. He, in his rage, slammed down the glass on the counter top, crushing it between his heavy hands, leaving a trail of emerald blood and sharp shards. She didn't back down, she stared at him, and then walked past him quickly, grabbing a wet cloth and taking a look at his hand. He pulled away, but she pulled his hand back towards hers, not batting an eyelash at the green blood and removing the glass shards with quick handy work.

"I want you to trust me… with everything. With your fears, with the things that you mess up on, which are rare, which makes you unnerving to be around by the way. We've been together for almost five years and we are complete strangers to one another. I had never seen you angry until that day with Kirk on the Enterprise."

"I've been angry before, much like that, much like I just was."

"You have, when?"

"When I was probably ten years of age, another boy much my age elicited an emotional response from me by calling my mother a whore."

"Well, I'm sure he deserved the ass beating that you gave him."

"No one deserves…"

"He deserved it. No one, not on any planet has the right to talk about someone else's mother," at this Spock smiled and then quickly rushed that away.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

"I don't think I ever really did. I think that's why I didn't want for you to go to Rivas 12. My insecurities got the best of me, got the best of us both, obviously. That's what we get for being prideful."

"How does one go about rebuilding over the false trust that we had for one another?"

"One brick at a time, I suppose."

"That is going to take a long time," he said looking her in her eyes. And for the first time in five years, they saw one another for who they really were. The love was still there, still bonding them tightly. Nyota saw Spock coming for her, he was closer now, even though the shaky bridge from which they started had collapsed, and they were both already laying the foundation for another bridge. It was a slow start, one filled with peril and fear, but now that they could concentrate on what the real problem was they could start healing. This was, they both thought in tandem, the first time they'd ever really, truly compromised.


End file.
